Photo credits Ashley Smith
For most of my life I feared that I lacked faith. Faith in God, faith in humanity, faith in my own ability to make good decisions and trust my own judgment. When we are a person who grows up in a faithful home… I think it can be even more terrifying to admit insecurities especially pertaining to our spiritual life.
About 3 years ago, my own life took a bit of a turn. I began suffering from debilitating panic attacks. Even though I rationally know up to 30% of the population will experience this at some point in their life… it can still be a hard thing to speak of publicly. But, I feel like it’s time to tell my story of Faith. Before those of you who suffer begin to throw your hands up. Please keep reading.
When Faith was a young girl, she often felt afraid of things that no one else seemed understand. It wasn’t typical things… Faith didn’t fear the dark, or the woods, she didn’t fear her parents, or even social interactions. But, sometimes when Faith least expected it… she had an overwhelming fear that raced through her and would shake her to her core.
As Faith grew into a young woman she had many happy peaceful times. She fell in love easily and could totally throw caution to the wind when it came to romantic endeavors. She married and had children… and always felt confident in caring for them and making choices pertaining to them. However, randomly and without warning… Faith would feel a sense of impending doom. Her family and friends would worry and try to help her, but nothing seemed to ease her excruciating internal pain. A pain that even she couldn’t describe.
As Faith grew older, her anxieties grew and grew. She tried so hard to fight them and overcome them. As if it were her against her fears, a battle to be won. But, as time went on Faith became weak, she became tired, worn, and sad. She felt like a failure because the enemy had won. Faith no longer had the courage or the ambition to stand up to her fears and she felt deeply ashamed…. because Faith had been taught by a culture she lived in that she could overcome anything if she wanted to. Since she couldn’t this it was her fault. She had only herself to blame. She spent weeks in agony, barely able to leave her home from sadness, fear, and pain.
What Faith hadn’t been taught was how generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) can take over your life. Faith hadn’t been taught that panic disorders existed and were as real as cancer, or other diseases that we identify as nothing we can prevent, but are a part of nature.
As Faith learned of all these things… she felt a sense of cautious relief. She got some help with her doctor because her loved ones didn’t give up and begged her to–and a therapist because at this point she would do anything for relief.
Faith was incredibly fortunate that she had family and friends who loved her and believed in her more than she even believed in herself during this difficult time. As the days went on… Faith grew. She grew spiritually in ways she before could not have imagined. She grew in friendships, developing relationships to a level she didn’t know existed. Also Faith grew as an individual. She began to trust her judgment and love herself. She began to trust that she was “fearfully and wonderfully made” and deserved to be loved, especially by herself. Even when she was not perfect. Maybe, especially when she was not perfect.
Now, Faith is overall much better. Some days are still a challenge, but aren’t they for everyone? Faith has some hope now though. She has overcome her struggle with anxiety and she has won. However, Faith did not do it alone. She had to learn to trust herself and her heart that even if she were not perfect, she was still worthy. Worthy of love from her family, friends and God and even herself.
There are so many scriptures about faith. While I don’t doubt the power of faith in God and the teachings of Jesus for one minute, where are we without faith in ourselves to make good choices and do what’s best? As children of God, we should have some faith in our own abilities to strengthen our works in ways that will promote the gospel.
In the world of traditional Christianity are we making an easier path for Faith? Or, are we marring progress by outdated ideas that should be re-evaluated because they don’t work.
If anyone who reads this identifies with Faith’s struggles. I hope you don’t feel like you’re alone. Reach out to people who understand. Talk to doctors seek therapy… and don’t feel like a failure in doing so. This may be the very test of your faith… that can elevate you to the next level of hope and faith.